Rank: Newbie
Groups: Member
Joined: 08/10/2009
Posts: 1
Points: 3
Location: Lancaster
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My husband and I were recently chosen as a pre-adoptive family. After what we thought were several enjoyable visits and preparing our home for placement, the child began to pull away from us. We knew from the start that the child did not want to be adopted and had a desire to be reunited with the birth mother, but it was only when the child told us that they did not want to visit with us anymore did we realize how strong that maternal bond was/is. Needless to say the adoption process has stopped, leaving us confused and discouraged. Has anyone else had the same experience? Right now we are not sure how soon we should begin looking for another child.
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Rank: Member
Groups: Member
Joined: 06/23/2009
Posts: 17
Points: 57
Location: Harrisburg, Pa.
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We have not experienced what you have gone through (with the child turning down further visits), so no words of advice, but have had a child leave us after being with us for 5 months to return to her birth mother. Adoption is definitely an emotional journey, but it is the point of those visits to determine for EITHER the child or the family if it is a good match. It is easier to have the child speak up then instead of later. Im still bitter about the placement 6 months later. I invested A LOT of time, energy, emotion, money (more than any stipend!!), in the child, sometimes at the expense of my other two kids, only to have her leave to 'go home'. Her desire to go home was greater than her desire to have a better future.
You need to mourn this loss, as you had already invested a commitment to the child, but better sooner than later to find out. When you think the time is right, start matching again. It took us 6 months to start the matching process after our last placement left, but she had been with us for 5 months and I needed to devote time and attention to my other two kids. Now I feel we are in a good place to begin again. I see no reason to wait long, but only you and your DH will know if you are ready and if it were me, I'd be back to matching the next week. Good luck in your journey!!
Mom to 2 (soon to be 3) great kids (though they are driving me crazy):
T - placed 07/28/07 at age 11, adopted 10/10/07, now age 14 - my TALL young man
R - placed 02/01/09 at age 11, adopted 12/16/09, now age 13 - my drama queen
C - first visit 08/03/10 at age 10, to be foster placement w/current goal of RU - she's a total tomboy
Previous Placements:
B - 10/31/06-11/08/06, age 7
K&M - 11/23/06-04/15/07, ages 12 & 11
H - 10/09/09-01/22/10, age 18
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Rank: Newbie
Groups: Member
Joined: 05/27/2010
Posts: 1
Points: 3
Location: Dillsburg, PA
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Sharon, I can understand your confusion and discouragement with this situation. As a Child Specific Recruiter I have experienced similar situations where my kids have reestablished contact with family members while visiting adoptive resources and in the end ultimately decided to stay in their foster placement as well. In most cases there are many factors that effect the outcome of the child's placement. This is one of the hardest things to face especially after already starting the visitation process. As mkuhlmann06 stated it is better to grieve sooner rather than later to enable your family to move on, however, as painful as it is please understand that these types of occurences are a part of the process. I think the longer you are involved with adoptions the more you will see how things like this make you stronger and provide you with a better sense of the type of child that fits with your family. Take as much time as you need to dust the dirt off and get back to your feet but don't allow yourself to feel inadequate. It is hard to say that there will ever be one perfect family for a child and one perfect child for a family but the relationships are like moldable puzzle pieces that can be reshaped. With patience, time and love you make it work!
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